Sunday, January 06, 2008

The sky is falling. The sky is falling!

Last night I had a dream about going for a walk through Pukaskwa National Park through a warm spring rain.

I woke up and both of my breasts were spraying milk ALL OVER MY FACE. Once upon a time the dream would have been a different genre all together.

I'm going back to work on February 3rd which is breaking my heart and stimulating my brain all at the same time. Jason will be taking the rest of the mat leave. In order to set him and Fenner free to have adventures while I toil, I have been pumping and storing. We're hoping that J can bottle feed her during the day when they are on adventures and I can continue breastfeeding at night and when they are home.

Please don't shatter any illusions I have about this working, and PLEASE don't bash me for going back to work.

Am very proud of my Milk Bank and I like to make orderly and regular deposits every day. I use a Medela pump and it's working great.

We tried the bottle for the first time today with the expectation that she would be full of RAGE, BETRAYAL and DISGUST and while she wasn't super enthusiastic, she actually drank and Jason fed her for the first time. It was exciting and if I wasn't crying like a school girl it would have been more celebratory.

I was immediately overcome with such incredibly mixed emotions. I am greedy for our breastfeeding time. I love everything about it. The nappy dreamy sensation, the bonding, our chatting, the portablility of it, how happy we both are. That this is the one thing no one else can do to care for my daughter - it was all. mine.

Sigh. Sharing is hard.

So it was with mixed emotions that we embarked on the road of independance.


jenkatt said...

I went back to work 2 weeks ago and it is hard. I have a love hate relationship with my breastpump. I do love having a bit of normalcy back, but miss Jack while I'm at work. You'll be fine. Hang in there.
Jen (Knitting NICU Nurse)

Aunt Martha said...

What a clever girl your Fenner is!
I think children are always ready for independance before their parents are!
Great dream!

Craftygrrrl said...

That's quite the boob juice haul! If anyone gives you grief send em my way and I'll squirt em in the eye as I kick them! Come to think of it that could be quite the money maker! Hmmm...

Samantha said...


Nice haul of boob juice. I need to pump some today. I use the Avent Isis pump. I need to prepare for babysitting in the future. Also my older kids (ages 6 and 4) sometimes like to feed their little brother so I let them (and pump while they are doing it).

Good luck with the work thing! Will you be able to pump at work? Your boobs will thank you for it.

I wear a bra to bed (with breast pads) because of the "warm rain" effect. I hate bras.

You and Fenner will be just fine. :)

Not An Artist said...

Ha ha ha.... warm rain. Other genre. Too. many. possible. jokes!

TheAmpuT said...

Goodness, how I recall a very similar progression 10 years ago!

Please try not to hate me for saying that this is just the beginning of watching them grow. The shift in nursing made me cry then too, and here we are, a decade later, and I still cry over the increasing little separations! It's always a happy cry, though.

Yay milk bank!!!

Dr. Steph said...

Nice pumping haul! It'll be easier when you're not nursing during the day--you'll have milk aplenty.

I know it's hard to go back to work, but you'll have lots of good Fenner time in the evenings and J can continue to perfect his uber-dad skills.

Hugs to you.

aviva said...

Good for Fenner, not kicking up too much of a fuss. Every mom I know feels guilty about their work/feeding choices. Leo is almost 9 months, and I'm still feeling a bit of guilt at weaning him onto formula when I go back to work in Feb. Sadly, my milk is not as bountiful as yours so no milk store for him!! When are we going to hang? Is that show at the contemporary art museum still on. I've heard great things about it?

David said...

Dear Jen:
What a wonderful blog with both Fenner and Pukasaw in the same breath!!!!
What a great mom you are (and Jason is the best dad too!)
Aunt Sally

ponyknit said...

Sorry about the wet dream ;)
Fenner is brilliant, as I figured, and I'm sure things will go well for you at work.
Here for hoping for less dreams like that ;)

Oh Baby! said...

diggin the milk juice. giv'er! you got a great girl there mama and a wonderful papa-daddy too.

Rachel H said...

The going back to work thing you're setting up will absolutely work. I'm sure of this because it's YOU doing it, and you make good decisions. Ones that meet the needs of you and your family, and that's what counts. So there.

I'm not saying it'll be easy, petal, or a whole lot of fun for you at first, but I know you and J and Fenner can do this.

Blueangel01L said...

That's a good stash you got going there! My sister did the same thing when she went back to work, after having her baby. As long as her son didn't see her, anybody could give him a bottle. He still preferred breastfeeding to the bottle so no worries.

Yvette said...

Hey, I pumped and froze too. It went fine as I recall.
You'll be great. Don't worry. It's very generous of you to share the mat leave with Jason and amazing of him to want it (Many men wouldn't ya know). You guys are awesome.

Carrie said...

Hi Jen!

Caroline here, (I worked with Danielle for a while)...

Congrats on the decision to go back to work. I know it's a difficult one (my hubby and I split my mat leave too). Looking back, it's the best decision we made. Our daughter now sees us as interchangeable parents, and as long as one of us is around, she's a happy girl. Good thing too, with the amount of time I'm away.

Well done Fenner on the bottle - I think she took to it well to make you feel better :)


Glenna C said...

Hi Jen! It was so fun to chat with you and Fenner yesterday, your adorable wee one is almost equally adorable in blogland as in person.

Tracey, in MI said...

Wow- you're really getting this motherhood thing;) Trust me- birth to adult hood is a very long series of joyful and painful tiny steps to independance....the path is different for all of us. (working or not) and honey- you're walking yours well. Keep it up.

ps- tell your man he's doing well too;)


DistantKnitter said...

That sounds just wonderful, a soft landing for you and the baby (is she still a baby?) back to working world.
I'm keeping my thumbs up, that everything would work out great!

Stephanie said...


(Though, do I have the storage system for you. Call me. We'll talk frozen breastmilk.)