Friday, April 28, 2006

So you like to laugh eh?

My friend David Shore got some well deserved air time for his show Monkey Toast in this week's Tall Poppy Interview.

It's a great show with great home grown talent - you should go and enjoy a rebirth of Canadian Comedy.

It's the Friday Random Ten...

It's the Career Limiting Statement Edition of the Friday Random Ten:

Today's moment of ridiculousness is brought to you by me. In today's all staff meeting (that's for you Joyce) one of the managers was giving me credit for booking 4 meetings in a stupid sales initiative that I have to work on.

I demurely said thank you, the key to my success is my skill at charming the person on the phone and then I say:

"It's not the oldest profession in the book because it doesn't make money you know."

I actually got groans from folks in the audience...but I guess whore jokes will do that in an all staff meeting. Jesus, I can't believe I've never been canned.

1. A Protest Scream: DJ Enso
2. Dry Lightening: Bruce Springsteen
3. New Drug Queens: The Pink Mountaintops
4. Oh So Bucco: Rick Moranis
5. History of Lovers: Iron and Wine & Calexico
6. Smack my Bitch Up: The Prodigy
7. Rise Up With Fists!: Jenny Lewis with The Watson Twins
8. 360 Degrees: Propellorheads
9. Sunken Waltz: Calexico
10. Where is My Love: Cat Power

Thursday, April 27, 2006

When carpet becomes your enemy...

Today at the office we had a naturopath come in and talk about all the benefits to naturopathic medecine. It was a good presentation and the speaker wasn't as creepy and culty as some naturopaths can be.

At the end of the hour there was a question and answer period where I was delighted to be witness to the moment when one of the office lesbians asked:

"I'm really sensitive to carpets - is there any advice you can give me on how to take care of mine?"

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I shot the Cherry, but I did not shoot the Kool Aid Guy

To follow up the spinning extravaganza I present to you: The pre dyed Shlublette! Enter the theme from Jaws. I can't believe that noone finds the Kool Aid guy just a little creepy. Have you seen the new ads with him in his camouflage pants giving juice to kids? Someone should tell parents that juice is used to permanently dye WOOL.

Just call me Chef Boy R Dee....licious!

The one part of dying that always made my brain reboot was the instruction to strain the yarn when the water is clear. For some reason my brain just couldn't understand where the colour would go...

Aaah yes, into the yarn of course!

For Erin here's a picture of Denny's "Blue with Pink Cocoons" from Megan with the cocoons in full glory. Thank you Denny for showing me that a spinning wheel isn't as intimidating as I thought - it's just shy!!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

How to get me to flip you the bird without thinking

While giving a presentation on how to leave out of office messages to a group of 30 men and women, mention that sometimes "us women" have to ignore our PMS to be pleasant on the phone.

This from a WOMAN IN HER MID THIRTIES. Holy shit, my 90 yr old grandmother is more progressive than this woman.

A piece of advice only rivaled by this (and I quote): "Jennifer, once you're more mature you'll be easier to manage." Well colour me inspired.

Updated to add: I just talked with the presenter just to find out if she was maybe making a terrible terrible joke that I just misunderstood. She is a talented writer and an established marketing professional - PMS statements didn't seem to be her Modus Operandi.

She told me that she was mortified and that sometimes she says the most inappropriate things in public but that she didn't mean for it to sound the way it did. I can totally relate.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Memoirs of a blog bitch

So what's it like being the blog bitch for the Gandolf of knitting you ask?


DUDES SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SPIN AND BROUGHT ME ESPRESSO COOKIES.

In this picture we have: corriedale fibre, general sheep fibre, cat shedding and skeins of Misti Alpaca. That there red sweater is Gandolf (with an 'o' thank you very much)

It was like a magical dance of traditions old and new:

The second she got her groove on with the keyboard I would interrupt her blogging to ask her remedial spinning questions and then when I finally would get my groove on the wheel she would yell OH MY GOD I PRESSED THE DELETE BUTTON!!!!

It was the perfect if not clumsy meshing of the ages and we both thought that if we did something wrong we IT WOULD ALL BE RUINED. It took awhile for the message to get through to me that the fibre will tame me with practise and that computers are not nearly as sensitive to Denny's touch as originally thought.

I had a great time although after Denny left my Manboy voiced his concern that we sounded cultish as we discussed "the work of our people" and spreading the word of fibre. He wasn't so far off the mark.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

I fizzisheled projects yo!

In my first craft related entry I showed a picture of this cross stitch. A year and 1 day later I finally finished it. I'm so glad that I found this website so that I can ban gay cross stitch patterns from my life forever.

Like the true knitter she is my Mimi was much more impressed with the wrapping than with the gift - the little knitted sweater from Last Minute Knitted Gifts. It's made out of the remnants from my Fleece Artist thrummed mittens.

I finally finished the Conwy socks from Knitting on the Road in Fleece Artist Merino. I'm wearing these socks right now and my feet ARE LOVING THEM. Sometimes I find that the designs I read and hear about so much don't live up to the hype. NANCY BUSH IS A SOCK GODDESS. Her patterns are clear and beautiful. This was the second pattern out of the book that I've done....she's great.

Doesn't fleece artist just glow?

Now for the SECOND SWEATER of my life that fits. I made Laura's top down cardi. This picture doesn't do the wool justice - it's spectacular mystery wool from Ecuador. About 3 or 4 years ago my youngest sister Liz worked with children in Ecuador. She brought back 2 or 3 completely mangled skeins of this wool for me (showing great foresight as my love of the knit hadn't fully formed) . It took both she and I the next 2 years to untangle it. I still couldn't tell what the wool was like but the stash, she needed to be busted so I cast on the sweater.

It is spectacular. The gradual changes from deep indigo blue to white is like poetry. The colour takes my breath away. It was rough to knit but softens up afterwards so much so that I can wear it against my bare skin. It's beautiful.


I got the really cute boutons at Romni Wools. My morning was spent at the Knitter's Frolic and frolic we did. I want to pose my financial suicide in a group shot before I post about my spinning class and other shenanigans.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Oh my god I just broke another one...

This is my favourite subject line of all time. It also tends to be the calling card of my righteous girlfriend Lynn who has the honour of being too much woman for most men.

I met Lynn for the first time at my first real office job. She took me under her wings and taught me the ways of the office administrator - ie: how to use cover up to deal with the hicky(s)* that I got from bad boyfriend Chris version 3.2. I'm still not sure why she decided to adopt me as I was even louder, more debauched and more brash than I am now.

Imagine it - then make it dirtier, braless and less socially acceptable - then go rinse your mind's eye out with soap.

Thank god she adopted me because she became another sister. I'm pretty sure if she knew that this would happen she brought tequila to our lunch dates.

Here are some fun facts about Lynn that inspire me to live more fully:

1. She cleared her own land, built her own house while raising two awesome people on her own.

2. The first person in Toronto that trusted me so much that she let me take care of the two most valuable people in her life - Lily Ann and Jack thus ensuring that those two have yet another person in their lives to humiliate and adore them.**

3. Oh my god - the risks that this woman takes in order to live her life fully and completely take my breath away. That includes getting involved with long time love interests and moving to her homeland.

4. Lynn is the only (I'm not exaggerating) person I really really love talking on the phone with - oh my god it's just so much laughing and laughing. Probably because I can't overstay my welcome by going over EVER DAY FOR HOURS AND HOURS - which you know damn well I would do if I lived closer than 24 hrs away. (I'm laughing right now thinking about it)

5. She will fucking cut you if you mess her family - genetic or otherwise.

6. Lynn came back to Southern Ontario just to meet the man that stole my heart and then stayed after the wedding so that we could talk like normal people. That's a long way to drive and a long time to stay away from her garden of eden but she loves me and mine just that much. That was really great.

Happy Birthday Lynn! SEE YOU SOON!!! WOO HOO!


*Since I'm pretty sure her brilliant and talented offspring will read this: LILY ANN AND JACK - HICKIES ARE DISGUSTING AND TOTALLY UNCOOL AT ALL AGES YOUR MOTHER TOTALLY HARSHED ON ME as she laughed her head off.

**I am, to this day, flattered and blessed. THAT'S RIGHT I JUST GOT CORNY!!!

It's the friday random ten yo!

The Colour Me Merlot Bitches Edition

1. Here For Now - Ani Difranco
2. (Big) Wish - Franka Potenta & Thomas D
3. Girl U Want - Devo
4. Retour a Vega - The Stills
5. Coyote's Song (When You Hear it Too) - Nobody & Mystic Chords
6. French Fries With Pepper - Morphine
7. Beautiful - Christina Aguilera (Everyone's got guilty music - i'm not apologizing)
8. Let it Die - Feist
9. Gotta Go - Victor Scott
10. Somebody Has To Pay - Susie Van Der Meer

God, what is with this music list - Devo?! Aguilera?! am nominally embarrassed...luckily there's that bottle of merlot at home.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The line that got me hook line and sinker

Prison Break (Monday's episode):

Prison Guard #1: You can't judge me, you're crookeder than scoliosis

Prison Guard #2: Yeah, but I don't get caught.

This was the first time I'd seen a full episode and it was this line that killed it for me...COME ON the writers couldn't find anything better than scoliosis??

Also, I feel like Michael Scofield's eyebrows have been surgically altered for maximum intensity and lips for maximum poutiness.

The mockability factor was maximized. I can never watch this show with anyone who cares about it...it will ruin my friendship with them.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

E-Tone

The tone taken in electronic communication that can be interpreted negatively resulting in the e-conversation escalating to trollish levels of rudeness, poor wording and writing.

Fun Facts

It takes 10 minutes less time to roller blade to work from Broadview and Danforth than it does to take the TTC and I'm not experiencing the full body press of 4 different people with fresh perfume first thing in the morning.

I guess my excuse of sleeping in has bitten the dust.

First news story of the day thanks to Cute Overload:

Mormon Women Knit Sweaters for Oil Soaked Pengies!!! This is why Mormon knitters are going to heaven.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Coolest gift - ever.

I've been sitting on this post for a little over one week. I just don't know what to say. That's right bitches....I'm speechless.

My two smart and talented sisters who live in Waterloo and St. Catherine's somehow managed to take the time in their excrutiatingly busy schedules to get together in one place and buy this table set used at the Waterloo Antique Market.

Then they managed to get together *again* to do the mosaic, paint the base of the table and refinish the chairs. All of this without dropping event the slightest hint and I'm the most nosy of gossipy sisters EVER. It's my life's work to know EVERYTHING.

Finally, Charlotte had to drive to Waterloo to pick up the whole set and Liz and drive it to Toronto so that she and Liz could give them to Jason and I as a wedding gift.


The reasons I love this gift as much as I do:

a) My sisters were genius in getting used furniture and making it new again - I LOVE THAT SHIT.

b) That they learned a new craft to make such beautiful patio furniture warms the cockles of my craft obsessed heart.

c) Coordinating this sort of an undertaking for members of my family is an art form in and of itself...it blows my mind how much work them getting together without me knowing about was.

d) LOOK WHAT MY SISTERS MADE!!!!! It's a beautiful patio set. sigh. speechless

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Career Counselling

Is it a good sign that I can read the detailed instructions on Perineal Massage while eating my spicy beef and noodle bowl from Manchu Wok?

Friday Random Ten

Hey Everyone - It's the "A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing." Edition!

My office is initiating an all staff sales initiative...even though I'm a techie I'll be on the phones cold calling potential clients....WHILE I'M MANAGING TWO IMPLEMENTATIONS. It's so insane it's made my day...how long before I get canned for non performance - any takers?

1. The Hook: Stephen Malkmus
2. Been Caught Stealing: Jane's Addiction
3. Rock Me: Pills (Run Lola Run Sdtrk)
4. Rough Gem: Islands
5. Last Jump: Dune
6. The Execution Of All Things: Rilo Kiley
7. Aside: The Weakerthans
8. Backyards: Broken Social Scene/Emily Haines
9. Every Ghetto Every City: Lauryn Hill
10. Germ: Sixtoo

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Pillow Talk

One of the standard questions I've always asked boyfriends when we were in the smitten kitten phase of dating is, "If you had to choose one of your 5 senses to lose, which would it be?" (yes, I was just that tortured and cliched)

Inevitably the boy would give me some equally cliched romantical answer like:

"Well, I would totally give up my sight because a world without music would be death to me." or

"Dude, I would totally give up hearing because a world without colour would be death to me." or

"Dude, anything but taste because if I couldn't eat myself into a food coma I might have enough mobility to walk out of the closet."

I asked Jason this question in bed last night and here's what I got immediately:

"I WOULD TOTALLY GIVE UP TOUCH! Then I would be impervious to pain and it would be, like, my superhero power! I'd be THE PAINLESS AVENGER!! My nemesis would punch me and I'd be...Hello, did you want some fries with that? I would barely know he was there!

HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?! Come on!!"

I fell in love all over again.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Confessions of a Public Knitter

I knit pretty much where ever I am - socks...the public knitter's friend, stockinette sweaters - the social knitter's best friend.

So, it would seem that I've become the silent partner in public knitting events. I love saying that *almost* as much as I love going to these events.

If you haven't already enjoyed the monthly drinking knitters meetings that occur in midtown. I *highly* recommend you come. What's that? You're shy and don't know any of the knitters that go? Shush you. We're a friendly open group of folk and you KNOW it - I refer you here for a perspective from a "shy" knitter.

Last fall I engaged in my first community event the TTC Knit A Long. It was the first time that I hung out with other knitters as OCD as I was - it was also the first time that I had ever yarn shopped with other knitters - needless to say it was a financial disaster. But. So. Much. Fun. This year we've made T-Shirts that you can buy (I need a nicer picture to display) AND there are more stores involved than last year!!

I attribute the fact that I find myself so lucky to be a part of such an amazing knitting community to the TTC Knit A Long of last fall. Click the link to see the pictures.

Then - go sign up for it. Now.

Monday, April 10, 2006

What's that? A deadline?

A menu of hopes, wishes, and dreams:

Birthday Gift for aforementioned super sister:

What's that? You can't tell what it is? That's because it's not finished yet (IT WILL NEVER BE FINISHED) and she reads this hole regularly.


Birthday Gift for 90 year old Mimi. Root of my knitting and my family. I started this cross stitch a year ago...it's got a million different shades of pink and peach (I thought that they were the same thing) It's breaking my will to live

Stash Items that I will be busting in the next two weeks:

One ball of Noro Kureyon - will be turned into a Teapot cozy thus permanently embedding me into the frumpy category of woman. You can judge me if you want but next time you comfort food or time I'll be there in my frumperific glory!

A skein of grey Cascade 220. I shall knit the Topi from the spring Knitty and by the power of Greyskull I shall so trendy with my noggin!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

26 is the best age to be

This whole post is going to be dedicated to my youngest sister Elizabeth. You may think to yourself "DAMN, what's she got that I don't have?"

Let me tell you:

1. She is smart and inspired about realistically managing our country's fresh water supply. So passionate is my sister that she will wade through decades of raw data of industrial water useage given to her by the government to develop a Soft Path solution. I will never know that passion about H2O and will probably live longer and have fresh water to drink because of hers.

2. Holy god, if aliens had blue eyes they would look like my Aryan sister's orbs. She is the most beautiful and hip 26 year old I have in my life.

3. My favourity memory of Ms. Elizabeth Frances Lee is her coming home from a day of
ponding (warning you need Shockwave to play) in Grade 2 to tell me about pond insects and how they can walk on water. Something about water tension and blah blah blah.

If I had maybe had my head out of my own tortured teenaged ass for a couple of minutes I might have been able to see those rarest of moments: Passion and inspiration being born to a person.

4. Her capacity to put up with brutal teasing is limitless. Liz has three older siblings all of whom are bullies. I'd like to say that I teased her mercilessly to make her tougher but really I think it's just because it took me a long time to learn what limits were.

We've become much closer friends and sisters since I developed a respect for her comfort levels and she for mine. I hope everyone gets the luxury to work their shit out with their family it's not easy but it's worth every second of tears.

5. Liz welcomed my husband into our family with an open heart, a hug and all the love that she has for her sisters and brother. J is different from us in so many ways that it was a big adjustment for him to inherit all sorts of CRAZY MOTHER FUCKING FAMILY members and vice versa.

Liz respected his boundaries without question right off the bat and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Knitiquette Knumber Knine

Team Canada convened it's second monthly business meeting on Friday night. This meeting and other KIP (Knitting In Public) events have inspired me to write a list of Knittiquette Rules mostly based on my own...indiscretions.

Live and learn my young uns.

1. When attending a knitting function remember: YOU WILL NOT NEED MORE THAN TWO KNITTING BAGS. Often times - particularly in bars there is not enough room and not only does it demonstrate a napoleonic level of over compensation...it gets squishy. I brought a bag for spinning, a bag of sweater and a large bag I call my purse.


2. DPNs: I have lost a DPN every single time I've attended a Knitting Knight. Do not bring DPNs of any size and expect to have them all at the end of the night.
3. Always share dessert and any other food that is on the table. It will aid in your digestion. I ate too many Aussie fries which incapacitated me thus inhibiting my knitting and spinning ability. That being said if you see a knitter going down (not in the good way) in the war against her fries - help her out for the love of wool!

4. Drink Guiness or Strongbow - a delightful buzz without destroying conversation or sock knitting. Thanks to Not An Artist for the pilfered photo.

5. I loved spinning. This is allowed at knitting events....thank you to Mel for the patient help - am thoroughly addicted to spinning unevenly.

I do believe that this was the best meeting of the knitters to date, up til Friday the nights were so chaotic that I felt like I never got a chance to visit or have "conversations" with folks that I hadn't met before. Krista, Maggie and Rocketbride (Alita?)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Friday Random Ten

The Official Drinking Knitters Club Edn:

The knitters are collecting at the Duke of York from 5:30 pm tonight onwards til late at night. Erin's last Duke night, come and tell her how much you'll miss her and buy her a pint.

We'll be knitting, spinning, eating and drinking - if you need more convincing then you don't knit or spin.

1. Elks Lodge No Vox - Weakerthans (3 Hive)
2. Everybody Thinks I'm A Raincloud (When I'm Not Looking) - Guided By Voices (3 Hive)
3. Only At Home - Elliot Brood
4. Pi Is Exactly Three - Coltrane Motion (3 Hive)
5. Minas de Cobre - Calexico (3 Hive)
6. BMFA - Martha Wainwright (from her AWESOME album - Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole -3 Hive)
7. Let it Rain - Ok Go
8. Born Secular - Jenny Lewis with The Watsons
9. Secret Heart - Feist
10. Storm Clouds & Silver Linings - Sixtoo (3 Hive)

Thursday, April 06, 2006

For the love of the flirty woman.

I love flirting. I do it every chance I get - most of the time I don't even notice I'm doing it...men, women, it doesn't really matter. I just love to flirt. My husband has both reaped the rewards (we did get married that lucky bastard!) of my flirtatious nature and embraces it as a way of life.
I'm not alone either. There are hundreds of us - proud flirty women. If you're reading a blog with the name My Sensitive Girl Hole you are probably a flirt of some kind. I don't judge, I just recognize my people.


It has come to my attention that some of the partners, husbands and lovers of flirty women feel ill at ease with the flirtatious nature of my people. For some reason they feel that because there is romantic commitment to them that our flirt must go the way of the dodo. WTF.

Flirting is not just a way of "finding a man or life partner" it's a way of life.

Here's the thing: Do you really think that YOU'D BE GETTING ANY ACTION if your girlfriend, wife, partner wasn't a flirt? Do you really think that hooking up with men is the only reason that we flirt?

It's a personality trait. We're born with the need to flirt and it isn't something that gets turned off just because we've decided to commit to you. Flirting does NOT MEAN THAT WE ARE HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE. So stop suggesting that we're cheating on you just because we laughed at someone else's joke.

I can't tell you how chafed I get when I hear one of my girlfriends' partners asking her to stop flirting with the bartender/waiter/gay friend. We don't commit easily but when we do it's for the long haul and flirting is part of the package.

So get over yourself and enjoy the ride, we're a very charming people when you chill out.

boo!

It would seem that the comments have been disabled...I'm going to try and fix them this weekend. Thanks Jill for letting me know!

Also whenever I click on "Create new post" the word "Hello?" is already typed in there.

Odd.

Sock Tea. You know you want it.

My Secret Pal is the best. I said it.

I got home from work earlier this week (week 6 of not buying any yarn or knitting related accoutrements for those counting) and got this package. Dear god what a terrible picture.
Nancy Bush's - Knitting Vintage Socks for which I'VE BEEN SAVING FOR for 2 months...I AM SO EXCITED!

The little tin looks like feminine chewing tobacco but it's beautiful green tea sachets and that is a voodoo kit which will help me in my battle with my wayward crappy client. HOORAY!

Delicious! Now that the camera has new batteries there will be knitting pictures. I've been trying to get 3 birthday gifts done and this Saturday is my deadline....hopefully you'll get pictures then. I'm going to draw attention to the fact that this post was started BEFORE 6:00 AM - I've been awake since 4:30am! It's one of the 7 signs of armageddon folks...right in between raining blood and earthquakes....good luck today.


Monday, April 03, 2006

Lions and Tigers and Beards Oh my!!

While watching The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe tonight:

As Peter goes off to follow the beaver, his sisters ask where he's going from the kitchen I hear Jay say on Peter's behalf:

"I'm a boy. That's a beaver. I must follow it."

Romantic.


To learn more about the North American Beaver click on the image for a vintage Hinterland Who's Who video clip. Learn more, the Canadian way.

Attention Deficit Disorder?

I think not bitches.

It's my one year blogiversary today! Time to delurkify yourselves and tell me how obnoxious the new look is!

I'm trying to "freshen up" the old girl hole as you can probably tell. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a virtual douche. It's kind of a personal challenge as I don't really understand html code and the concept of douching goes against everything I believe to be good in the world. I'm not super happy with the skin you see here so I'll continue my learning adventure tonight.

Last year at this time I was thinking the exact same thing I'm thinking this year - something about Mother Nature faking us out with the beautiful spring days. I'm prepped for her mind games this year! I've started walking home from work - I haven't managed to shake off the March hibernation in the mornings yet...