Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Fates say NO to another Gemini.

I think I'm ready to write about my weekend now. It's not an invitation to a pity party - we had a great one on Friday night with lots and lots of wine. This post has been writing itself in my head since Sunday and I really just want to move on.

On Thursday night I had a dream that Hugh Laurie was my doctor ( I have a huge crush on Hugh the comedian not Hugh the House) and that we were drinking a beer while I bled. That the conversation was really awkward was what woke me up. I hate awkward conversation.

When I did wake up at 7:00am on Friday morning I was at the beginning of what would turn out to be a miscarriage. I was only almost 7 weeks along so my Logic knew that this could happen - in fact - this is why everyone gives you the impossible challenge of keeping the secret of being knocked up. Thank the wool producing mammals of the world that it was so early.

It really sucks ass there is no question but it was surprising that it didn't suck more ass. Maybe it was because almost every woman I know has either had a/or some miscarriage/s or have close friends who have had one (or more). That all of these women have gaggles and gaggles of children now is a relief.

So, I knit, we watched Robot Chicken, we laughed at our nerdiness, I knit some more, we found stuff to laugh at. Jason rocks my world. I swear if we couldn't make each other laugh so hard I don't know how we would move on. There didn't seem to be any in between emotions this weekend.

A few things I've learned:

a) It's impossible for me to keep secrets. I AM A HUMAN MICROPHONE. I believe that secrets give you cancer - but that's a neurosis for another day. Blabbing - It's what I do. So to get around the fact that I come from a family of MICROPHONES I told a couple of independent friend cells. Those close friends who don't have contact with each other or my family.

If you are family or friends only finding out about this through the blog - I'm sorry.

b) Almost every single woman I've told has had as story about their miscarriage or a daughter/mother/best friend's story. I have a spectacular resource in my own family who helped me more than she knew the day after. It makes me wonder how much less self blaming our collective mental health would endure if we knew that it is not as rare as we think to miscarry early in the first trimester.

Those self judgy feelings of failure, isolation and self blame were mostly avoided because I blabbered on to my ladies (Moms, sisters, friends and family). Thank god because I'm sad enough without feeling 100% responsible in my own mind.

Fuck that shit - life is too short to go it alone.

c) Knitting is good. Very good. It's good when you feel great and great when you feel like ass - it clocks time, it meditates you through pain, it proves that the neverending minutes must have passed because you're at the end of a row with 299 stitches.

d) The source of peace of mind and clarity can be found by pressing my forehead (where the constant whirring of my thoughts can be heard) gently against Jason's cool soft cheek. That's where his inner peace is and he shares.


Rachel H said...

Wow, Jen. I'm so sorry, but at the same time so very grateful you had supportive women to get you through. There's no question it sucks, and it hurts, but no, there is NO WAY WHATSOEVER IN ANY POSSIBLE SENSE THAT THERE IS FAULT ON YOUR PART. None.

My sister-in-law miscarried her second pregnancy, but with her third ended up with a beautiful, healthy and wonderful little boy. And dude? if my mother hadn't lost a baby in between my brother and I, well, I wouldn't exist. Personally, I think that would be a shame.

I'm not trying to make light of your loss, sweetie. Honest. Your baby will be there when he/she is ready. I know it.

Anonymous said...

just {{hugs}}

amy [Knitty] said...

i hug you too. and what rachel h said at the end there. come out tomorrow and let us get you drunk.

laura said...

love you.

Martina said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. It is a hard think to go through. I am glad you have lots of support. Your time will come.

Cin said...

Hi Jen

I too send support, love and hugs to you. I'm glad you have a huge support system, plus a most wonderful husband and friend in Jay. It's wonderful that you have each other to lean on no matter what.



Craftygrrrl said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so very sorry. Let me know if you need anything else besides the wheel.

denny Mcmillan said...

come and eat lemons squares.
I'm going to bed right now so I can rise and shine and make you .......LEMON SUARES.

We'll drink the grape
the apple
the hop.
and there is a spinning wheel wanting a cab ride home with ya later.

move over Jason , fluff has come. ha ha ha.

TheAmpuT said...

Thank you (for writing about it). I'm a stranger to ya' but here's a *hug* and I'm sending good thoughts...

Sophia said...

Jen - sad news. T & I are thinking of you. I'm one of those that falls into the miscarriage category. Not recently, but it's a tough sitch. As you say, it's more normal than we know.

Loving you from here,

krista said...

Oh Jen.

You and Jason are going to be such amazing parents. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine the excitement and the hurt- but you carry on, and my god you sound so strong about it. You are amazing.

denny Mcmillan said...

mmmmm whats that smell.......... lemon squares.

up since dawn, I've been up since dawn.

I'd do all that and more (like pack lunches and find matching socks) for you.

Well........... find you own socks,your not nine.

Melanie said...

Aw Jen. I'm so so sorry.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry, Jen. I'm sending lots of love, healing and peace your way. And big hugs.

elizabeth from Softchoice said...

Hey Jen,
There's not much I can say that would make this better but I hope someone gives you a great hug today so you feel loved.

Anonymous said...

You know, I thought I heard you say something about being "knocked up" when I was over, but there was a lot of wine and beer, and I couldnt trust my ears, and didnt want to ask you to repeat yourself as well... I just couldnt.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that I love you, and that Im sorry. Im sure that you and Snuffy will have that crazy family you've been dreaming of (and I'll be there to knit them all booties, bc god knows I have enough sock yarn).

kelly said...

btw -- that anon. comment was from me. for some reason Blogger hates me tonight.

Kelly said...

Blogger seems to have a huge hate-on for me right now, but that anon comment was from me, Kelly.

Kathleen said...

As I have been tremendously sucky at reading blogs lately I am only just seeing this post now. I'm so sorry, Jen. But I'm really, really glad you had a good support system - very important stuff.