Thursday, August 24, 2006

The State of My Sensitive Girl Hole.

There is a woman that I know peripherally who has been interrogating me on why J and I haven't had a kid yet. Not nice "I care about you" interrogation...she's one of *those* passive, weird, judgy women and mothers. You know the kind...you feel like a failure every time they 'help' you.

She brings it up everytime she sees me. Her status reports include details about why her baby is perfect and her marriage is flawless because she had a baby. What is my problem? Am I not happy in my marriage? Maybe I don't like sex enough? or too much? A baby helped her relationship...I should really have one.

It's been stressing me out and I've told her that it's none of her business what we've decided to do. If I gave a flying fuck about this woman I'd be slapping her upside the head with a marriage counsellor's phone number but instead I finally say (warning explicit innuendo is involved) :
I just don't know WHAT we're doing wrong Miss Nosy McNeedsToKnowTheResultsOfMySexLife
- my husband's been coming in me for months now and my bum is getting sore. I
can't imagine what we're doing wrong!! I'm even waiting til I'm ovulating to
have sex....

She thought I had FINALLY asked her for her opinion and her face had an orgasmic look of know it all joy. She started talking about taking my temperature pre-sex when she realized what the hell I had just said.

It was a terrible mean thing to do to someone who just probably wanted to help "ease my mind" or maybe even ask for help. But at least I don't have to discuss my sex life with her anymore.

I would like to thank a few of my more humourous girlfriends for letting me test drive some of my responses on them.

13 comments:

Sandi Purl said...

you are too effen much! i love u jen!! i really really do! this world needs more babes just like you!

Melanie said...

Hee hee. Serves her right!

Rachel H said...

*gigglesnort*. Good for you!

Yes, darling, I actually snorted. Out loud. It wasn't attractive.

Anonymous said...

Jen, You are the absolute worst and I love you to bits.

Hope to see you soon.
Leslie - knitting therapist

loulou said...

I always tell people that my kind has been known to eat their young, so it's safer not to procreate.

Nosy people who think they know what's best for you suck.

Jean-Anne said...

Got to love the "helpful" people in the world. Thier insights come at the most inappropriate times. :)

Samantha said...

Terribly mean? Nah. Friggin' hilarious! You betcha. She needs to mind her own business. Hopefully she learned her lesson. Go on ya!

Craftygrrrl said...

Oh dear Gods! Too freakin'funny! Has she said anything else?

BTW, How did the rest of your conversation with Linda go?

Tammany said...

I have to say I completely admire you. I wish I had the brass to say something like that to someone. I have been biting my tongue with my mother in law for four years.
I wonder what this woman would do with me? I didn't change my name when I got married! (gasp!) I don't want kids! (gasp gasp!) My marriage must be a sham.
ggrrrr.....sorry. I hate people.

Yvette said...

Now, that's more like it! More bum sex and fewer pig heads...
Kudos!

Musclemom said...

We had our first child 3 years after we were married, and I believe it was way too soon (I was almost 31 at that point). I would have waited longer -- your life as a couple ceases then, until your kids are old enough, and you start regaining your freedom. But you never stop worrying about them.
Take all the time you want, and you will remember it fondly once you have kids. I love my children, but they totally took over my life. Now that one is starting university and the other one is starting high school, I feel like I am regaining my identity as an individual, rather than as somebody's mother.

Steph said...

That was the perfect response.

You should compile a little book of the perfect comebacks, put offs and conversation stoppers.

denny Mcmillan said...

Well it's plain to see that some girls holes arn't so sensitive. I remember these type of mothers at play groups when my children were young, always with the advice and holer than thou voice. They wanted to be my friend . haa as if.

denny xoxo