Friday, January 20, 2006

Flash Freezing or My Take on My Girlfriend's Shit Ass Day

Updated to add: This is my description of a close friend's day on Monday - my week, though busy has not been eventful at all. Thanks for everyone's kind words!

If you've ever experienced flash freezing you can understand the mental state of any sane, independent and successful person waking up in the dark only to face the impact of 4 hours of rain and snow that had been flash freezing. It stopped just in time for me to have to deal with it. That's when the dry snow started.I ripped my self from the womb that is my warm bed and begin the marathon that is a standard Monday.

Checklists Checked:
- Breakfast of Champions made - Check
- Lunches - check
- Hockey Gear - check
- Competitive Cheerleading Gear - check
- My own day schedule - check
- Dogs walked/let out before we leave - check
- breakfasts eaten - check
- Dogs let back into house before we leave - check

We (my partners in crime BoyMan and Ladybug) go out into the minus god knows what weather to get into the car only to realize that the flash freezing has ensured that we have to CHIP THE ICE OFF OF THE DOORS in order to actually open them and start the car. Then while the car idles peacefully we have to chip the quarter of an inch ice of off all the windows in order to ensure that we can see oncoming traffic. Sigh.

Car - Check

7:15 am: As we exit the driveway we run over the bags and bags and bags of Christmas and New Year garbage that has been unceremoniously ripped apart and tossed jubilantly around. It was scattered elegantly and evenly across my property line by my beautiful asshole dogs. I had forgotten to put the garbage out over the holidays and there was so much garbage it blew my mind dudes - then as I see a diaper in the pile I realize that not only had my asshole dogs shredded *my* 14 bags of garbage, they collected garbage from the neighbors down the street BROUGHT IT TO MY YARD and shredded that. A bit of my soul dies while we do a "surface" clean in order to prevent getting a fine before I get home from work to clean up the rest of it.

7:45 am: Drop my PIC's off at schools

8:45 am: Go to Gyno appointment where I have to break a new doctor in. I have some piping that is more high maintenance than a tortured man boy. It requires a lot of delicate circuitous conversation and TLC. As all the ladies know, high maintenance pipes aren't easy to explain to new doctors and I am specifically interested in birth control. It takes me 30 minutes to explain the impact of
Ehrler Danlos. Apparently, common birth control methods are not compatible with my body's insistence on being a high maintenance machine. Grrrr...a tick is appearing on my left eyelid. Why DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO F'ING COMPLICATED....
Leave appointment - spend 20 minutes scraping ice and snow off of my car...again. The tick has moved into my right eyelid as well.

10:00 am: Am feeling discouraged by the news that any chance of getting sweet loving is complicated by pregnancy, spend some time contemplating men's unwillingness to have vasectomies en masse after the age of 45. What IS that about.

11:00m: Work flow in my veal pen is disturbed by boisterous discussion of RAW on Xbox 360 by late 30 year old male coworkers. Much of the debate seems to be surrounding large breasted skanked up ho's that the video game characters trade like misogynist baseball cards. As James Frey claims to feel...The Fury comes fast and hard - that fool, he has no idea the fury. Being a childless impotent junkie is nothing compared to MY daily challenges.

My impotent rage at the simpletons in the veal pens next to me is exacerbated by what I feel is a gross mistake made by my manager at my monthly sales numbers. Even after proving himself correct I find myself sincerely believing that if I was a whored up bimbo with giant tits ... somehow I would win this debate - The Fury grows.

The rest of the day is a blur but as I stand chatting on the phone with my girlfriend in my kitchen that night I note with relief that while there is no wine - there is a full bottle of Crown Royal. Then I see my dog barfing what looks to be the remainder of a diaper on my kitchen floor next to my feet and I am struck with wonder as to just how many diapers babies nowadays can produce....

Note to general public: Crown Royal straight with a rare steak and nothing else is the only way to close a shit ass day. Seriously, try it. Vegetables and ice are for pussies.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

sorry you had such a shitty day . . .at least it is friday!

Secret Pal

Heather said...

Wow...you really had a shit day. Yep, thank God it is Friday. One more day of a work week could drive us both over the edge.

Jen said...

actually that really was my take on my friend's day...my week has been great!

Poor my friend!!!

Lily said...

I Totally agree..Poor your friend.

Jen said...

lol - luckily she has some spectacular folks as her partners in crime otherwise she wouldn't have been able to laugh at the day as much