Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town

Inventory of weirdness today:

1. The movie named in the subject line has been brought to my attention twice in less than 4 days by two people on the bipolar opposite side of the political/sociological/sexual scale. By opposite I mean my boss who is a Bush Supporter, Christian Wingnut (capital 'W' intended) and my close friend D who is one of the most intelligent and talented feminists I've ever met.

Where worlds collide. I can't wait to see this movie though.

2. I got this from my PIC in an email with the subject line reading "The world of art mourns it's demise" This comedian is an insult to anyone with a minute amount of independant thought. It chafes my comedy loving heart.

3. The following email came out today in my office thus affirming my opinion that I work in a kindergarten

"Ladies,

Just a friendly reminder that there is spray deodorizer available in the washroom so please ensure that it is used when necessary. There is nothing worse that entering the ladies washroom to an unpleasant odour.

Thanks "

Yeah. I'd like to add to that - flush your shit down the toilet you're not 3 years old any more. This memo just confirms my suspicion that there are people in this office that don't wash their hand. GROSS. The whole idea of touching any of them makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Catch up

The past 3 weeks have been a blur. I have become: THE BRIDE

I don't mean to say that I'm losing my shit or balance (at least I don't think I am) but I have had: THE BRIDAL SHOWER. At the most delightful of Toronto homes, my Godmother's home.

This is a woman who fed my siblings and I artistic glamour in a sea of engineering and canadian logic. She has fly away curly hair and beautiful paintings that were given to her by friends in her artists circles. Whenever we would come to Toronto she would create an oasis in time where she would hang on every word we would say and she would never rush us. As I was the "Talker" I learned to appreciate this at an early age.

She would have all of the tools that we needed on hand to create any number of crafty projects that she would then frame and hang in her beautiful home.

She is my kindred spirit.

The bridal shower was fantastic. Casual with tons of wine and provided the opportunity to see these power houses of filial love:

My Cousin Joan (My paternal grandfather's cousin) and My Mom (powerhouse of all things Motherly)


Three Generations of Uteri Posted by Hello

At the end of the glorious day of food and family - I got loot! It is still funny to me that because I'm no longer "throwing it around" so to speak (aka living the life of the proud Urban Slut) I GET A BLENDER!! mmm...blender drinks ;-) delish.


Putting the wine face in the bridal Posted by Hello

Monday, May 16, 2005

To thine family stay true

My sister is a chemical engineer. She is my rock and my logic. When I go spinning off in all directions she is there to condense the miscellaneous pieces of data and information swirling around me into one statement that needs no clarification.

"Mom just wanted you to clear the table - she wasn't calling you a failure or a bad person or a hideous piece of humanity. Want a hand?"

She is also the only other person in the world that would crawl underneath our 40 year old cottage into a space that ranges from 6 inches to 1 foot - To clean out the toilet pipes for my wedding.


That's not all mud you know Posted by Hello

Friday, May 13, 2005

Where Star Wars meets the Yarn-hos

How very satisfying is THIS screenplay?!

I don't think it IS all about the Hokey

Question authority. My mom taught me that in a moment of short sightedness that came back to make her life miserable with 4 teenagers.


This subject line was a piece of graffiti on the bathroom wall in Souz Dal where I imbibed delicious Amsterdam lager with my perfectly enabling friends last night. The realization that in 9 and a half weeks I'll be tying the knot with the best thing that ever happened to me has me aching to spend lots and lots of time with these friends of mine drinking and coming up with endless 'bon mots'.

I've spent summers upon summers on patios with a pint with these friends as an urban slut....maybe I'm just trying to close that chapter. It's got me thinking.

I don't have a ton of time but detailed adventures of "THE DISTILLER" to come this weekend.
Last Saturday I went to my first bridal shower at my lovelie Aunt's home in Toronto it was delightful and not at all horrifyingly girlie.

This weekend coming is purposefully quiet quiet so I have tons of pictures to upload and adventures to tell.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Morning glory hole

I got this here and she got it somewhere else. Today is sucking my ass.

10 years ago:
I was 21.
I was starting my first year of university in Montreal
I was living with a woman I had never met and who ate dinner in her bedroom alone.
I was sleeping with men for whom I had no respect.

5 years ago:
I was 26.
I dumped my boyfriend, quit my job, moved to Halifax to dry out and found out I was pregnant - in that order.
I was unemployed and living on my best friends couch for too long.
I picked myself up, got a job, learned how to design and build wooden kayaks and moved back to Toronto.

3 years ago:
I was 28.
I was learning how to knit.
I was learning how to be funny on stage.
I was about to meet the man who would be my PIC, my rock and change my life forever.

1 year ago:
I was 30.
I was on vacation at my cottage with my PIC
I was having cold beers with my PIC on the dock on the perfect day.
I was asking my PIC when he wanted to get married.

Today:
I am 31.
I am learning how to be the guest of honour.
I have helped raise over $50 000 for cancer research.
I have learned how to turn a heel with four needles.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Morning glory of glories

So my morning starts with an email from my PIC with news of Stephen Colbert's new comedy central show in the works. I creamed my pants just a shnickle when I read official word. Sigh...he's dreamy with his apostrophe eyes.

The Onion has a way with words that I envy. Coincidentally the word 'Cunt' is becoming a part of my daily lexicon especially satisfying when combined with otherwise innocuous words. This came by way of Defamer

"My colleague can be a real cuntmuncher when it comes to breathing" for example.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Romance...with hooves

My sister, PIC and I were up north at the cottage this weekend. We have to put the water into the cottage pipes every year - this involves attaching the pump to the hydro and turning it on now that we've modernized the plumbing.

Friday night however we blew the fuses that connect the heat so we were all pretty cold - Charlotte slept with the electric blanket and the PIC and I slept with an extreme winter sleeping bag.

As he climbs into bed I wrap my bare feet around his legs trying to warm them up. We get nestled and start to warm up after a second he turns to me and says.

"Are you wearing your shoes to bed?!?" Nice.

Apparently it's time to make an appointment for my annual 2 hour pedicure because that's how long it'll take to get the callous removed from my feet.

Monday, May 02, 2005

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T DELIVER?!?!

Was my reaction when Chairman Mills told me that they no longer had a store in Barrie so they couldn't deliver the party sized BBQ, tables, chairs, plates, flatware and glasses. The Fascist has decided to 'service' only the GTA leaving yours truly with only the service one receives in the joint.

As a result of this unwelcome piece of information I spent the rest of the afternoon finding an equipment rental place able to deliver to the cottage which from henceforth will be called Ground Zero.

My office seems to have some semblance of sixth sense and is not longer approaching me in the afternoons. It might be my aura of deadline induced panic that I often have on work related projects and drop dates.

Bonus: My sister and I put the water in at Ground Zero this weekend and prepped the guest Cottage to repair toilet related plumbing. That's right the indoor shitter will be operational!